Did Al Gore get elected President after all? Cuz everywhere Al goes, it snows – and I see Washington is covered in the stuff!

They say a bunch of bureaucrats got the day off. Let’s hope the blizzard keeps up – the longer those dodos stay off the “job,” the better off we’ll be!

I’m surprised the Teleprompter Kid’s hot air hasn’t melted all the snow by now, though. He was on my damn TV set AGAIN yesterday. Dammit, he still hasn’t sent me a check for the new one I needed to buy when his face burned into my old one last year. Now it looks like that stupid Shroud of Turnips those Catholics pray to!

You’d think some of those people in D.C. never saw snow before. ‘Course, maybe Obama hasn’t, being from Liberia or wherever. But the rest of his crew is from Chicago, so they’ve got no excuses for whining about a little white stuff.

Hell, when I was a boy, we didn’t get “snow days” or any of that crap! We went to our little red one room schoolhouse no matter what. That “blizzard” they’ve got in D.C. is nothing compared to what we trudged through back in my day.

Kids today are such wimps. All they do is play at their damn video games all day, sitting in their baggy pants, eating Cheetos.

I hope the next bad guys who attack us are zombie skeletons with magic swords, cuz from what I can tell with these video games, that’s the only army today’s kids know how to fight!

Anyway, I’ll be waiting for Al Gore to explain how all this snow is caused by global warming, or else give back all his prizes. But I expect that won’t happen until Washington really freezes over!

I’m madder than Helen Keller at a silent movie!

Now everybody’s laughing at Sarah Palin because when she gave a speech, she wrote some words on her hand.

That’s pretty rich, coming from people who worship the Teleprompter Kid!

At least Sarah Palin wrote her words the old fashioned American way, with a Magic Marker. She doesn’t need some fancy, foreign made machine to do her remembering for her!

And I’m pretty sure Palin wrote those words herself, and didn’t get some longhaired hippie terrorist to “ghostwrite” them, either!

If Obama can win a bunch of awards for books he didn’t even write, and Al Gore can get a Nobel Prize for a slide show, I’m pretty sure Sarah Palin deserves at least a Pulitzer for those scribbles on her hand!

Those lie-berals get crazy about the stupidest things. They’re so desperate, they want to ban Super Bowl ads now. I’m so old, I still remember when lie-berals were the ones who told us, “If you don’t like what’s on TV, change the channel”?

Back then, of course, the lie-berals were the ones in charge of the TV! Now that we right-wingers have our own TV station and so forth, lie-berals want censorship.

Commie pinkos!!

Anyhow: I hope next time around, Sarah Palin doesn’t even bother writing stuff on her hand, and just gives lie-berals the finger!

I’m madder than a tranny who’s run out of duct tape!

All day long I have to hear about “gays, gays, gays!” Now we’re back on the “don’t ask, don’t tell” thing. I’m sick of it.

Even army guys are coming out saying get rid of the rule. OK, fine. They know better, I guess. But in my day, back in Korea on Pork Chop Hill, let me tell you: we didn’t want any pansies in OUR squad!

The closest we wanted to get to a fruitcake was some Seoul she-male while we were on leave, and even then, that wasn’t old Ed’s cup of tea, no sir! I like my women 100% real!

Anyhow, I guess now we’re stuck with gays in the military, which doesn’t explain why the uniforms are getting uglier, not better looking. And from what I hear, the food hasn’t improved much, either. So what difference does it make, I guess.

I can’t even keep straight what to call them! If I say “pansies,” my granddaughter throws her fork at me. But they keep changing what they want to be called, dammit!

I’m an old man! I can barely remember what day it is, let alone the new name for queers!

And now that creepy ballerina guy in the White House is in trouble for saying “retarded.” That was a perfectly good word until the Kennedys stole it and said nobody could use it any more!

Everybody knows they just invented that Special Olympics to cover up what a scumbag family they are!

What we really need are another Olympics that gives medals to chicks who can run away from the Kennedys!

I’m madder than a hippie with a busted hookah!

Every single day, I read a new story on the computer machine about how this global warming thing was just a scam from day one!

Now it turns out the WWF had something to do with all this baloney. I always knew TV wrestling was phony, but this is ridiculous!

How did a bunch of egghead pointdexters get fooled by what Hulk Hogan thinks about panda bears?

This is worst than last week, when the global warming guys’ “scientific research” turned out to be an article from an old Readers Digest they stole out of the dentist’s office.

It’s like I keep telling you people: these so-called scientists are no smarter than you and me. Some of them are even dumber! Turns out one of the big shot scientists is some weird looking old Indian guy who writes dirty books.

It’s true. And by Indian I don’t mean a real Indian like we have here, with their tomahawks and casinos and so forth. I mean one of those foreigner Indians who eat smelly food and pray to the statues with the fifty arms.

This Indian guy whose been telling us the world is going to explode turns out to be writing porno this whole time. The only “warming” is in this guy’s pants – or whatever it is those people wear.

He needs to go back to snake charming or running the 7/11 or working at the call center, and leave the science stuff to Jesse Ventura! At least he’s a red, white and blue blooded American and not some slimy foreign pervert! Hasn’t this outsourcing stuff gone far enough?

That Judge Alito guy is my new hero!

When the Teleprompter Kid was blabbing away at that State of the Union and telling all kinds of whoppers, Alito mumbled, “Not true.”

At first I thought: “They put that OJ Simpson judge on the Supreme Court?” But this Alito guy isn’t Chinese or whatever. Even so, he’s pretty smart!

Which is good because some of those other judges are lousy. Look at that Sotomayor: they let a Mexican on the Supreme Court, which is bad enough. But they didn’t even make her climb over a fence and running through two miles of sand! Plus I hear they’re paying her more than five bucks an hour!

Then there’s that little shriveled midget lady who always falls asleep! If that’s what they wanted on the Supreme Court, they should’ve just hired my mother in law. She’s seen enough of those judge shows on TV that she’d do just as good a job.

Both those women should go back to the kitchen and make sandwiches, and leave the real judging to the men, like Alito!

The thing is: I read about all this on the computer machine after it happened. I can’t actually watch that State of the Union thing because I’ll use up all my blood pressure pills in one night.

I also can’t afford a new TV in case I throw a beer bottle at the screen!

Just the sight of that Communist in Chief up there, lying away – I’m an old guy and can’t take it. If I survive the next three years, it’ll be a miracle – and I’m not even a Catholic, dammit!

So I hear a bunch of A-rabs are tearing down another statue of some guy named “Hussein”!

No, not in I-raq this time! I mean those A-rabs in that Indianeezy country Obama used to live in when he was a kid – they built a statue of the guy, and they already want to pull it down!

Finally: Americans and A-rabs feel the same way about something!

These foreigners say Obama hasn’t done enough for their crappy country since he got elected. Sounds familiar!

Speaking of crappy: one of the A-rabs said, “We could say Obama only ate and s***” here” before he took off for the U. S. of A. I better not say anything about that!

We really need to jump on this right away. A-rabs and Americans don’t see eye to eye about anything – mostly because those rags on their heads are always slipping down.

So let’s say to them, “Hey, we know just how you feel about Obama being a total loser! While we’re at it, can we finally work out that whole ‘oil and Jews and blowing up stuff’ thing?”

After all the time Jimmy Carter wasted trying to get these A-rabs’ minds right, turns out all it took was a crappier President than him to get elected and piss us all off together!

And here I thought they gave the Communist-in-Chief that Peace Prize way too soon.

They might even find Obama’s lost birth certificate under that statue when they pull it down!

What are we waiting for, my fellow Americans? I say we forget about that Haiti hellhole and start sending rope and backhoes over to Indianeezy right now!

America’s commie pinko traitors just had a hell of a bad week, and it’s just getting worse!

First, Scott Brown his pickup truck over Kennedy’s grave. Then Air UnAmerican Radio shut down, cuz as everybody knows, liberals are lousy listeners — even to each other!

And global warming tuned out to be an even bigger scam than even your old pal Ed ever thought.

Turns out those Himolayun Mountains aren’t melting after all – which is good because we were gonna let in a million Abomdibble Snowman refugees, and we’ve got enough problems with all those Haitians!

And we can’t let those damn foreign Snowmen take jobs away from our native-born Bigfoots!

Now I see somewhere that the Communist in Chief went to talk to some little kids and took his Teleprompter to the classroom!

At least George Bush read “My Pet Goat” right out of an old fashioned BOOK, like a real American! And Dan Quayle misspelled “potato” all by himself without help from any fancy gadgets, let me tell you!

Plus the lie-berals are so hard up they’ve got two folks mailing the same fake letter to hundreds of newspapers, talking about how great Obama is – and those genius reporters didn’t even check how these two could live in three dozen different cities at the same time!

Remember that next time the newspaper tells you about WMDs and global warming and what causes cancer this week!

Newspapers used to phone and check you out before they printed your angry letter – I should know!! I guess these days, reporters are too busy looking for new jobs to do the ones they’ve got.

How many times do I have to tell you? The only big media thing you can trust anymore is the Weekly World News!

I’m madder than a polar bear in a sauna bath! So now it turns out that “global warming” thing is a bigger scam than we thought.

A bunch of those science big shots just fessed up that their thing about the Arctic melting was something they stole out of an old magazine article!

Some guy at the UN read a beat up Time magazine in the doctor’s waiting room and thought, hey, this’ll help us scam the world for trillions of dollars! He probably even swiped the magazine when he left – those UN guys are such lowlifes!

It’s a good thing he wasn’t reading old Reader’s Digests or right now, kids would be forced to watch a movie called “An Incontinent Truth” and we’d all be wearing overpriced, organic adult diapers!

Now it can be told: Al Gore actually tried to use a bunch of Weekly World News stories in his stupid movie, too, but we told him to get lost.  We didn’t want Bat Boy and Bigfoot’s reputations messed up by being associated with that fat lying loser!

The other good news is that commie pinko radio station Air America finally went bankrupt. I know what you’re thinking: Ed, there was a commie pinko radio station?

But that’s the problem: nobody even knew it existed. Who wants to hear a bunch of left wingers screaming for 10 hours a day when they can hear a bunch of right wingers doing the same thing, only better.

And that fellow Rachel Madcow and the other ones had already gotten real jobs so there was nobody left to run the station, let alone listen to it.

I tell you: America is just getting better all the time! It’s at the point I can cut back on using my oxygen tank to get through another day!

Right about now, Ted Kennedy’s in hell, and he’s madder than Michael J. Fox playing freeze tag!

That Scott Brown guys won Teddy’s old seat last night – although I don’t know why you’d want to win a hundred pounds of pasty white flab!

That stupid commie pinko woman lost, and lost big! Maybe the people in that loony left state are finally thinking straight after all these years.

I guess they couldn’t get enough dead Democrats out to the polls last night! They should’ve got some Haitian refugees to do their zombie voodoo and bring ‘em back to life!

Mrs. Anger’s happy as a clam, because she says now she’ll get to see Scott Brown on TV for the next couple of years. She might start letting me watch the news again instead of changing the channel to “Judge Judy”!

I hear that Barney Frank guy is happy for the same reason – but he’s trying to keep that a secret.

Me, I’m just glad to see the country turning around and getting its mind right.

This is the first step to getting rid of the Communist-in-Chief and the Hair Club for Men Vice-President! We’re gonna have Tea Parties from sea to sea, dumping Lipton’s into the oceans if we have to – and to hell with those greenie tofu-munching hippies if they think that’s “pollution”!

Scott Brown is the only thing standing in the way of the Teleprompter Kid’s master plan to communize these United States of America!

Look out, Washington! Scott Brown is driving down there in his Government Motors truck, and he’s about to kick all your butts to Kingdom Come!

I’m madder than Ted Kennedy in an XS coffin!

How can those Massachusetts idiots even be thinking about voting for that stupid liberal woman, Martha Coakley? It’s obvious that Scott Brown fellow is the guy they need!

Look at the facts: he’s worn the uniform of his country. She hasn’t. He knows something about baseball. She doesn’t.  He knows how to spell “Massachusetts.” She doesn’t.

Hell, even one of the Kennedy’s didn’t get her name right in a speech last night! You better believe they NEVER forget Scott Brown’s name – cuz after Tuesday, they’ll be cursing it more than ever!

Anyway, you can’t blame a Kennedy boy for forgetting a woman’s name. Hell, they forgot a whole broad in a lake once, remember?

Yep, that Mary Jo Kopechne is one chick whose name the Kennedy’s never forget!

And since dead people get the vote in Massachusetts, I say they let Mary Jo cast a ballot. Gee, do you think she’s still a registered Democrat??

They sure give dead people lots of power in that state. Dead people are like the Miami Cubans of Massachusetts!

One of Coakley’s ads blamed dead people in the World Trade Center for the bad economy or something! I’ve heard my share of weird conspiracy theories, but who knew Wall Street was controlled by 3000 ghosts from nine years ago, from a building that’s not there anymore?

And they say Glenn Beck’s the crazy one!

Anyhow, I hope that Scott Brown fellow wins and finally gets that commie place back on track. With the Kennedys back to bootlegging, gals in the state won’t get a busy signal for the rape crisis hotline anymore!